It occurs to me, based on suggestions and comments from the readers here, that I failed to include some important points in the last post. They are as follows:
DO:
- Lean up against poles inside the train, keeping other riders from using them for their intended purpose.
- Sing along with your music. We want to hear exactly how tone-deaf you are
- Part of the Sudoku puzzle in the WaPo Express. We’re too lazy to do the first half and we need our newspaper half used.
- Sit on an outside seat when an inner seat is not occupied. You should be taking up all the space you possibly can without sitting next to another rider. Also, if someone asks if they can please sit in the inner seat, give them a dirty look and grudgingly move so that they can sit next to you. Alternatively, just tell them they can’t sit there at all. That’s actually preferred.
- Cut in front of people when getting off the train and going up or down an escalator. Do this at every possible opportunity, otherwise you’ll be left behind that person with a stroller and a kid blocking your path upstairs (or downstairs) to your next train.
- Keep your backback/large purse on if you are standing, obstructing other riders’ movement. It allows other riders to have a makeshift armrest or pillow and keeps them from having access to extra space, which no one EVER wants on Metro.
- Awkwardly hold on to one of the poles between other peoples’ hands when there is little room to do so. It’s as close as you can get to holding hands with them. Bonus points if they move their hand while awkwardly looking away.
- Stare at other riders. They love it when you do that, especially without reason to do so. You might want to even go the extra mile and stare them down entirely while sneering. This intimidating technique is especially useful for getting a spot in the seat they’ll probably flee trying to get away from you.
DON’T:
- Use your inside voice. We’re all deaf and can’t hear you; speak up especially when talking about your boring day, annoying co-workers, that jerk ex-boyfriend of yours, etc.
- Say excuse me
- Cover your mouth when you sneeze or cough
- Move out of the way near the doors when riders need to enter or exit. You’ll lose your spot and might have to move!
- Mind your own business – it is your job to know what that girl next to you is giggling about that’s on her BlackBerry, what book the man standing next to you is reading, and what article the intern sitting in front of you printed out.
I’m sure there are more suggestions – I’m open to them, and will post them as they are submitted.
